WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, STOP ASKING: “WHY?”

                   “The most diversionary tactic to avoid heartache                                                                     is  to remain stuck in the “Why?”

Belonging is one of our strongest primal instincts. So when it comes to love, once we humans create a pack of two, most of us are staunch loyalists. Even if the relationship starts turning sour, we’re committed and likely trained to avoid facing the obvious. It may be that affection or attention is waning, while criticism or defensiveness is on the rise.

Instead of addressing an issue head-on, we become incredulous and outraged. We do backroom-bellyaching with our friends. “WHY does he spend more time in front of the TV and on the golf course than he does with me?!”  Or, “WHY is she more devoted to her girlfriends and to redecorating our home than she is to me? And WHY don’t we have sex but once in a blue moon?”

Rather than endure the queasiness that accompanies confrontation, we rush to the escape zone of the cool-headed brain that delights at questioning ad nauseam the logic of  “WHY?” And instead of facing the person who most needs to know our heartfelt truth, yearnings, and disappointments – we go over and over our story ad nauseam with everyone else. Our escape mantra: “Why, why, why?”

The re-routing of truth from heart to head increases resentment and emotional distancing, which leads to less affection and less sex. As the uncommunicative rift widens, alienation and misassumptions accumulate. Permanent damage is an all too realistic result. The odds of sustaining a dishonest relationship  is 70-30 at best.

I call upon your courage and faith in one another, in life itself. Break your habit of rerouting your emotions. Face yourself and your lover with the truth,  the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

 

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