WHY YOU’RE NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY

You underestimate yourself.
You’re shortchanging your relationship of your personal brand of       intelligence: emotionally, mentally, and spi
ritually.
 
When we’re single we do pretty well, we’re in charge of our own choices. When we join another person in love, things shift. One tends to take charge. Facing the pressure of opposition, the other tends to flow. This is the Law of the Jungle. The confronter vs the peacemaker. I’m talking to you, the peacemaker. You’re the only one reading this article anyway, right?
 
I know. You’ve tried speaking up, but your vote is too often overridden. You get resentful, even angry inside, but hide it from your mate. So you bellyache to your friends. “She never listens to me. I knew the handyman was cutting corners.” Or, “I told him that kind of car wasn’t for a family.” But it all falls on deaf  ears. 
 
Believe it or not, you the peacemaker are in the wrong as much as the dominator. You’re faking it. And here’s the kicker. You have good instincts. But instead of standing firm for yourself, for your observations, and for your good ideas – you make nice, you defer. You miss the opportunity, nay the obligation, to enhance your relationship with your wisdom, your sensibility, and most of all, your unique contributions. Why?
 
Your God-given instinct says, “Speak up!” but you know you’ll get push-back. You hate that queasy feeling in your stomach when conflict rears its ugly head. Nope. You’re a nice guy or a good girl, and anyway, arguing never helps a situation. Stop! Take a closer look. Your passivity, resentment, and internalizing are damaging you and your relationship.
 
If you’re tired of being demeaned and dismissed, if you can’t see yourself doing this sad dance forever, here’s your opportunity for shifting the dynamic. Your new best friend? Brevity. No more justifying. No more explanations or making your case. Animals don’t argue or explain, they take swift action. You have this within you. Look, I get it. It’s distressing. But what’s the point of a relationship if it’s not benefitting from two people’s thoughts, preferences, and ways of being?
 
1) Go to a mirror. Take a deep breathe. Get calm, centered. Put your hands on your hips. Look into your eyes. Announce out loud: “You know what you know. You have the right and the obligation to make (or reject) this decision.” 
 
2) Go to your beloved. Calmly declare to him/her, eye to eye, “I’m not signing for the car,” or “I  cancelled that expensive hotel,” or “I’m firing the plumber,” or “We’re getting help for our relationship. The appointment is Monday at 7 PM.”
 
3) Do not argue, defend, justify, or explain. Cut to the chase. Do not get sucked into any backlash, bad mood. Leave the premise. Take a walk, go to a movie. Stand your ground.  
 
  
 
 
 
 
 

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