“It came out of the  blue!  I had no clue.                                                                  She left me without a word.”

After years of listening to couple’s stories, I’ve learned we humans know how to suck it up and suck it up and suck it up. Normally this kind of inner discipline is commendable, but in the area of love,       holding things in is a liability. Actually, holding things in is the same as lying. We have an inner truth and we’re not expressing it. Ergo, we’re withholding- AKA lying- about the truth.

This raises two critical dating or relationship questions:                            1) “When do I bring up an uncomfortable topic?” 2) “What am I trying to control/ prevent by remaining mute about my discomfort?” You most likely know the answer. “I want to remain in control of the outcome. I don’t want to show my hand and be judged, critiqued, or rejected. I can take it.”  So, my dears, with this stalwart attitude, the pressure within builds.

Pressure is the key source of the beautiful and delicious result of an amazing sumptuous espresso. I consider my espresso machine a gift of the gods. I can tract the sounds of the process building pressure, then that magic moment when the first heavenly delivery of darkened liquid offers itself up in an aromatic stream.

Alright, you get the point. Pressure is a signal that something is meant to be released. if you persist/insist on holding it in, holding it private, you will fail. You will fail yourself, fail your partner, fail your future.

I implore you. When you feel the pressure of your truth wanting to be expressed, when you feel your unhappiness and your despair building up – release it. Take a deep breath, ask your lover to listen without any interruption. Then tell him/her take 24 hours to process what you’ve shared before continuing the conversation.

Only then will you be free. Only then are you eligible for the destiny that awaits you. The most important question is this: “Do you dare to do what it takes to reach your destiny?’


The only person you’re meant to become                                                                                                         is the person you decide to be.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Ralph Waldo Emerson

I became intrigued by the idea of destiny by reading stories of famous, successful, and fulfilled people. At first glance these people appear to be just damn lucky. To the contrary, successful people are just damn determined.

People who’ve achieved success have three things in common:          #1: They pay attention to their thoughts, ideas, instincts, visions.          #2: They take their thoughts, ideas, instincts, and visions seriously. #3: They ignore the concept of failure, eliminating the fear of risk.

Whether it’s in the area of love or work, family or creativity, people come to me to help them achieve their goals and their dreams. The idea is that by fulfilling their goals and dreams, they will be happy.
I recommend one practical step to kickstart their vision into action. Their enthusiasm level is high. For example: Start a conversation with the girl in the Starbucks line. Sign up for a beginning class in architecture. Get a booth for your artwork at a local art fair. Book the trip to India. Move to New York. Be a DJ at your friend’s party.

There’s only one step at a time. Simple, right? Then why do some            people succeed and others don’t? You can blame it on your stomach. The roadblock to achieving your destiny is that queasy feeling when you imagine failure or embarrassment. Yes, it’s that simple and that small, yet it’s actually robbing you from your life’s happiness, creativity, and dreams.

So I say to you. Whether you have one lifetime or many incarnations, THIS lifetime is in your hands. You are in charge. You DO have a destiny. Your destiny IS waiting for you to fulfill it’s vision. Choose.

I dare you to openly declare yourself to yourself. The next time you get an urge or impulse to take an action: Say “Hello!” to your queasy feeling, then declare inside or out loud, “I’m going for it! THIS life.    MY life.  MY destiny.”


Opposites do attract. Not only is it the law of attraction, it’s the law of physics. By practical design, one person per relationship is more adaptive, the other more assertive. Here’s the rub.

Over time, people become more entrenched and extreme in their contrasting modes. It’s our nature – meaning, it’s natural for an easygoing person to concede and just as natural for an assertive person to insist. Adaptive personalities tend to be supportive, flexible, and compassionate. Assertive personalities lean towards self-centered, rigid, and emotionally neutral-cold. The result?

The assertive person’s preferences generally prevail. And why not?There’s value for both people. The pattern is set. The adaptive doesn’t have to feel that queasy feeling of confrontation. The assertive gets his or her way again, and again, and again.

Chances are, if you’re reading this topic, you’re an adaptor.  And knowing you, you’re secretly resentful, kind of wound tight inside, and you have a lot of pent-up inner dialogue that doesn’t make it out of your mouth. OK. You’re feeling trapped by a dominator. Here’s your first step.

Notice your preferences. Really focus on noticing your smallest preferences. If you like the cafe table that’s in the sun, say so. If you want to eat at 7, not 8PM, say so. If you don’t really want to drive across town in traffic, say so. You owe it to yourself and your beloved to be simply honest. Are you ready to be included in your relationship’s preferences?

Here’s your next step: For three months, stop saying “Please.” Just state your simple preference, calmly and clearly. “I want…” or  “I don’t want…” It won’t come easy, so make a pact with yourself to speak up. Your relationship’s durability, deepening, and joy depends upon your  courage to be in integrity with yourself.


                   “The most diversionary tactic to avoid heartache                                                                     is  to remain stuck in the “Why?”

Belonging is one of our strongest primal instincts. So when it comes to love, once we humans create a pack of two, most of us are staunch loyalists. Even if the relationship starts turning sour, we’re committed and likely trained to avoid facing the obvious. It may be that affection or attention is waning, while criticism or defensiveness is on the rise.

Instead of addressing an issue head-on, we become incredulous and outraged. We do backroom-bellyaching with our friends. “WHY does he spend more time in front of the TV and on the golf course than he does with me?!”  Or, “WHY is she more devoted to her girlfriends and to redecorating our home than she is to me? And WHY don’t we have sex but once in a blue moon?”

Rather than endure the queasiness that accompanies confrontation, we rush to the escape zone of the cool-headed brain that delights at questioning ad nauseam the logic of  “WHY?” And instead of facing the person who most needs to know our heartfelt truth, yearnings, and disappointments – we go over and over our story ad nauseam with everyone else. Our escape mantra: “Why, why, why?”

The re-routing of truth from heart to head increases resentment and emotional distancing, which leads to less affection and less sex. As the uncommunicative rift widens, alienation and misassumptions accumulate. Permanent damage is an all too realistic result. The odds of sustaining a dishonest relationship  is 70-30 at best.

I call upon your courage and faith in one another, in life itself. Break your habit of rerouting your emotions. Face yourself and your lover with the truth,  the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.